Determinations, Decisions and Divorce

My husband received the determination from the Dept. of Employment and Economic Development on his unemployment claim and the statement given on their website was "ineligible indefiantely". What? Doesn't that sound a bit harsh? I thought it was. We do not know what this means, but it does not sound very good. We will have to wait to see what the actual paperwork states when it arrives in the mail.

For the last month I have been been harboring feelings of sadness over my husband's loss of employment. I have tried to keep my feelings at bay, but I am too transparent...evidently. People have been commenting around me that I am not my usual self (not quite sure what that means). I sometimes just want to scream, "I'm falling apart, okay? Just let me cry." I pray every night for more strength to get through this. I just feel like things have been in a downward spiral and I want to control it. The decision I have made is that I need to stop. I need to stop crying and letting all of the pressure of what has been going on control me in a negative manner. All that is happening is for a reason, and it is nothing that I have control over. It is all part of a greater plan, no matter what is happening, and I need to embrace it instead of trying to fight it. Decision made.

Someone very close to me told me today that she and her husband are getting a divorce. Since I myself am a divorced person, I know what it is like to have feelings of unworthiness and depression. She told me the "spark just died" and that it was like living with a roommate. The similarities to my experience were quite the same. The only difference between her experience and mine is that she has a child. I have no idea how hard that would be, nor did I try to tell her I knew what she was feeling because I didn't want it to come across as being patronizing. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to my dear, M. I know she will need them.

In Memoriam

For the first time in a very long time my husband and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings in West St. Paul this past weekend. I was told by one of the bar patrons that two people who used to frequent BW3s when I did had passed away. I was in shock. I thought I would share brief thoughts about both men who were always chipper and had such positive attitudes: Lango and Jams.

Lango, or Pat as his friends would call him, would always be at the fourth bar stool in from the right at BW3s. He was very intelligent and was always willing to share his knowledge of vast subjects with anyone who cared to listen. He spent most of his free time in the Cayman Islands, and loved to offer up his residence in the islands to anyone who wanted a "real vacation". I knew Pat because I would always go to BW3s to play trivia every Friday afternoon (when I would come home from St. Cloud State on the weekend). Pat passed away on May 22 from brain cancer.

Jams, or James, would usually be seated next to Pat, or close to him. He always spoke very fondly of the love of his life, Theresa. He was, however, a tremendous flirt. The name I always used in playing trivia with him was "Smoke" and when I would win, he would say, "Ah, there she goes again...Smoke gets in your eyes." He made me laugh and always had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. James passed away in April due to complications from diabetes.

As Tennyson wrote:
I sometimes hold it half a sin
To put in words the grief I feel;
For words, like Nature, half reveal
And half conceal the Soul within.

A Full-Night's Sleep

I am in pursuit of a full-night's sleep. If there is anything that I could have right now, that would be it. This whole week I have not had the chance to sleep through the whole night. Here is a run-down of this week's events that have kept me from sleeping:

1) Sunday - Brody didn't want to go to bed because, "It is still light out." Bedtime for Brody: 10:30 p.m.--with coughing from allergies starting at 1:00 a.m.
2) Monday - Brody wet the bed and tried to change his Huggies Pull-Up on his own and couldn't find one and began yelling for me at 1:30 a.m. After I changed all of the bedding he went back to bed, but I couldn't.
3) Tuesday - I tried to go to bed at 8:00 p.m., but Byron wanted to snuggle with me. Who am I to turn that down? The snuggling, however, turned into Byron repeatedly touching my eyelids to wake me up. Bedtime for Byron: 11:00 p.m.
4) Thursday - American Idol finale and I finally went to bed at 10:00 p.m. Byron started coughing at 12:18 a.m. and kept coughing every hour on the hour until 4:18 a.m. when I went downstairs and slept on the couch.

Granted, I shouldn't have stayed up to watch Idol last night, but I wanted to be sure I saw Adam lose to Kris. :) Perhaps this Saturday night when my children are at my in-laws' house overnight I will finally get my full-night's sleep. :)

Brody and Byron

I just came across this photo again. It was one of 27 that I took for our Christmas photo...and I am not over exaggerating... :) I love my boys!

American Idol: Winner or Loser?

Okay, I have to admit that I was completely and totally SHOCKED when Ryan Seacrest said Kris was in the top two. As soon as I heard that, I knew that Adam was going to be in the top two...acutally, I didn't even wait to hear it from Mr. Seacrest. I turned the TV off. I was very disappointed that he had lost, but did he? I remember when Chris Daughtry was voted off and everyone was in utter shock. Look what happened to him! He wound up becoming a multi-platinum selling artist. Another Idol "loser" was Jennifer Hudson; she was voted off quite some time before the final five that season and she became an Academy Award-winning actress. Some people who have won American Idol have kind of fallen off the radar...Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino and Taylor Hicks.

On a side note, as my husband and I were watching Idol last night we were subjected to the awful lyrics of Jordin Sparks' new song, "Battlefield". My husband...without pause...came up with his own lyrics...
I am a bodyman
I am a bodyman
I use my Bondo
I use my Bondo
You need your car fixed, I got it covered
I use my Bondo
Along with his singing, he also had a little interpretive dance that went along with it. Who knows...if they ever open up the age range on Idol....:)

Surreal or Cereal?

My husband is still waiting to find out if he is able to receive unemployment benefits or not. I look on the Minnesota Dept. of Unemployment every day (at least three times or more). There is not an estimated date as to when his case will be complete, even though they NOW have both sets of documentation on the matter. I know that patience is a virtue, but in this case, I have none.

I keep rereading my blog from a few years ago when this happened last...I am trying to get myself back into the mindset of how awful the experience was then in comparsion to now, but I cannot. I feel selfish and want some type of answer. I know this is not what I should be feeling, but I cannot help it. I am praying for strength to keep myself from freaking out over the purchase of Nutrigrain bars versus the Roundy's brand of cereal bar. Isn't this petty and insane? I know it is, but I guess I will just have to be silent in my issues of $.25 cents verus $.79 cents.

Monday, Monday

I have never liked Mondays. I never wake up in the morning on a Monday and say, "Yes! It is Monday and I get to go to work!" No. You will never hear that from me. I am the least motivated for the week on Monday. I never seem to get enough sleep on Sunday before having to get up for work. I think I am getting my point across. Tuesday, I am really looking forward to your presence. This Monday has been long enough already! :)

Eight Years

This weekend it will be eight years that have passed since I graduated from college at St. Cloud State. So much has happened in eight years:
1) I have had two marriages
2) I have had four pregnancies
3) I have had two children
4) I have had five jobs
5) I have owned seven vehicles
6) I have moved five times
7) I have had four cell phones
Most importantly....
8) I have had zero regrets

An All Time High

Last night as I was waiting for "American Idol" to come on and see Adam go home (yeah, right...only in my dreams), my husband was cruising through our basic cable channels looking for something to watch. He came across a James Bond film that I have never seen before: Octopussy. Octopussy? What the??? I have never heard of this film for some reason. I asked Mike if it was a joke, and he said no. I guess it was made in the early 80s. Immediately the perverted part of me asked, "What? Does the main female character in this film have eight v-jay-jays?" I mean, seriously...

This was not the highlight of my last 24 hours, however. Today when Brody came off the school bus from preschool, I looked into his Cars backpack and saw that he had made me a present. The present was inside an envelope made out of yellow construction paper. I first pulled out a card that had a foam yellow and green flower on the front of it that he had made. I opened the card and inside it read:
Thank you, Mom for making me grow. - Love, Brody
I lost it. Right then and there with the Cars backpack in hand I started outright bawling...uncontrollably at that. Brody looked at me and said, "Don't cry Momma. It's going to be okay." That made me cry more and I explained to him that I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I was so happy over his gift. He looked confused as any three-year-old boy would look and waited for me to stop. I will not discuss what the actual gift was inside because I might start crying again. Let's just say that it had to do with small hand prints and a deeply moving poem. Yes, we are definitely on an all-time high (I can say I pulled this post title from the obnoxious song from the Octopussy soundtrack...thanks Rita Coolidge).

Job Lost; Job Found

Last Friday I received a phone call that I have received several times; it was my husband calling to tell me that he had lost his job. Although I must admit that hearing this news made my head immediately pound with blood and I felt my breath quicken, I wasn't upset. I wasn't upset because I realized that it just isn't in the cards for my husband to be employed at this point in our lives. How can I be mad over that? I cannot.

All things happen in life for a reason. I know many people I have met over the years have taken offense to my belief in this, but it is one of my core beliefs and I am unwilling to negate on it. Is it awful that I need to tighten down even further on an already non-existent budget? Yes, but things could always be far worse than what they are. I am not looking for worse, but I know it exists.

My husband may have lost his job OUTSIDE the home, but he has found an even better position inside our home. :)